Such is the nature of the events, the 'Court of Public Judgement' attitudes; swaged by hyped up media articles, I am aware of the risk I place myself to the 'hot-head' community of vigilantes. Not forgetting the 'no smoke without fire' peddlers. I have already been subject to malicious phone calls to my Devon home. It is not certain who these were aimed at, because my lodger-house sitter who was arrested, charged and prosecuted for 'being in possession of indecent images of children' used the house phone as well.
I will attempt to describe myself here. My strengths are much my weaknesses!
Let’s start with my strengths.
They include a heightened sense of justice (or injustice) having fought for the 'underdog' most of my life. I have an intensive focus often to the exclusion of all else. I am fairly intelligent (IQ Score136 – just below the MENSA threshold assessed in 1986/7 at Cambridge University), analytical, artistically creative, polite, gentile, trusting, studious, generous towards other people and honest. I have never caused harm to another person. I have never committed a crime.
Now the weaknesses.
Mine include being too honest and open, too trusting, too polite, too generous to others and very clumsy. I was professionally very confident in my skills, but have always been socially inept (many would describe me as 'not the great party goer'). I have always challenged 'professional incompetence', after all they are being paid to do a job of work. I don't always 'get the joke' or metaphor. I'm quite intense. I don't always pick up on the cues of letting others into a conversation. I have passionate (obsessive) interest in specific items or information. Described once by a colleague as 'Someone who sets the bar for myself so high, that I'd never meet my own standards'. I have a strong reactions to textures, smells, sounds, sights, or other stimuli, that others might not even notice. I will notice oddities, such as objects out of place (down to a misalignment of a nail in a fence panel! Who cares? It seems I do).
I am stubbornly and stoically independent and rarely ask for help!
"You are very Autistic" remarked a professional colleague and Special Schools Psychiatrist eluding to one of my behaviours. It was later in life that I realised this was not said in 'jest', but was most likely a professional judgement on me. This was in 1985 and the first time a Professional had used the term to describe my characteristics. I was always considered as little bit odd and eccentric (picking up comments from others), but no-one had ever labelled my eccentricity before this. In 1986/7 I was assessed by Cambridge University for adult Autism, through one of the earlier studies made on the subject of high functioning autism in adults. Diagnosed and based working with special needs, it opened up all manner of confusion within me. It appears that I had learned to accomodate, learned counter measures to not dispaying my inner confusion and what was for me an act of normal characteristics. Observation and learned behaviour seemed to have others toleration. I was an industrial, kind and considered 'professional' but never saw good interaction with others (something I yearned for) and I just partly accepted for the person I was.
Childhood Autism had seen extensive research through the 70's, but Adult Autism had seen very little. There was the genuine lack of information for professionals about Autism and it was common that professionals thought of it like Asthma and bedwetting; it was something which 'you grew out of'. It was determined by Cambridge Unversity that I fell within the Autistic Spectrum, as an adult, but I have subsequently kept information about the assessment very quiet as I never really had to highlight it.
Unlike people with other forms of Autism, people with high-functioning Autism (or Asperger's Syndrome as it is commonly known) are not always understood. Like so many others, I desperately want to be involved with mainstream life and people. It's simply a case of not relating to the social acceptances and mechanics of doing so. In short, I simply don't know how to go about it. As I've grown older I become more understanding of others' emotions. I have empathy with others, but it takes time to determine my involvement with them. I find it takes intensive effort to read facial expressions or body language well. Sometimes this staring can intimidate people as I am trying to 'work them out'. As a result, I get teased and often feel like a social outcast. It's always been the case of never being mainstream. I was called 'Little Lord Fauntleroy' by my brother and sisters, because everything had to be 'just right' and proper. In the 70's at college I wore a jacket and tie, during an era of open top shirts, polo necks and flares being worn by other students. I've never owned a pair of Jeans. The slightest mark on clothing lead to me instantly disrobing it straight to the 'twin tub' washing machine; this used to drive my mother to despair, as I put on a clean set of clothes. I speak with a clear 'estuary' accent and precise diction, but with an ability of incredible mimicry.
This social isolation can lead to prolonged self-doubt , anxiety, insecurity and ultimately depression. An uncompromising compliment was paid by one of my younger members of staff, without any prompting action - “You are the most interesting bizarre eccentric person I have ever met!”
In life, 'My occupation is (and was) my occupation". Others have described me as a truly dedicated and passionate professional, when it comes to task and work. It has always been my focus and purpose in my life, often using exhaustive energies consuming all my day-light hours. This prevented me from needing 'outside' interests to keep me away from insanities.
The loss of my job was more than a minor trial or tribulation as this event and the surrounding trauma has represented an end to all the focus, socialisation and stability in my life.
My confidence in decision making is 'shot to hell' and I procrastinate over so much. Even the smaller errands such as going the 300 metres to buy a loaf of bread or milk is commonly a three day build up, going out only at a time when there will be the fewest number of people about. Having no-one significant, who really spurs me on in life just leaves so much undone. The 'enigma' (that I am) finds it increasingly impossible to understand the world and it is immeasurable to calculate the magnitude of damage this arrest saga has had on my current life and any future life.
My writings are part of my grieving process of the loss of a career and many other losses. It is a cathartic exercise suggested by the 'Anxiety and Depression' (Mental Health) team, in 2013, who supported me with 'Psychotherapy' counselling over a 6 month period and hopefully helped me reduce my anger towards the Police. Financial constraints on the Health Service has now stopped the support provision to me. 'People talk to pets, plants and babies to stop themselves going mad.' - I don't have any of these, so you may legitimately ask about my mental state - It seems (at this stage) I'm neither 'section able' nor, am I certifiable. I'm just a ‘fairly’ normal person who has been pushed to limits by wrongful and questionable Police actions.
A side issue is that I am one of the hidden 'Disabled' (under the Chronically Sick and Disabled Persons Act 1970) and continue to be registered as such - I don't have a 'Blue Badge' (or drive a BMW or Range Rover), because I can walk, abeit sometimes in considerable pain through my arthritis. Never really felt it had any value disclosing my registration. It used to be a case it mean't something, when you needed extra support, but very few services are left or provided by the local authority to support those of us who do not live in rented social housing.
Why the Owl logo?
According to 'iCould', a UK careers support website, I have the personality/character profile of a Barn Owl and listed below are my main strengths:
• Can be careful with facts.
• Can work on something for a long time.
• Are patient with complicated situations.
• Can be imaginative problem solvers
Making it unlikely to give up on any quest to 'right a wrong'!
You can check your profile yourself.
As you will appreciate there is lots of uniformity, methodology, organisation and tidiness in my life (somewhat typical in those of us with Autistic traits). Being tidy and organsied extends to my house. Recently, I had determined that I should place the various coloured tiles designated for the kitchen, on the wall. A 'helper' had kindly offered to do the job, as I cannot put anything straight on a wall. I wanted the kitchen to look like the 'one in the magazine', with all the tiles placed randomly. I finally conceeded to letting him get on with it as I struggle to cope with doing something out of sequence. I wanted it to end up 'artisitc' (this was a bit rebellious for me) and left to my own devices I would have had a pefectly geometric and symetrical wall pattern. This facet of my makeup can be added to the list of my many quirks as I just do not do random positioning of tiles, but I do like the finished tiling that was done for me!