I died in mind and spirit on the 12th September 2012 and was left without hope, completely dishonoured through wrongful Police actions and ripped of any dignity. I have become a ghostly former shadow of myself. Unable to think or do beyond any moment in time and left to fester in my seething emotions. Support from the mental health services has always been vague and has locally crumbled to dust. An abandoned child learns to stop calling out for help, when completely ignored;  the same fate falls on adults who are dispossesed. Something we see time and again on city streets with the beggars who adorn our pavements. The night time lightens to day time; then the day time gives way to night time; then the night time lightens to day time . .  and so the cycle continues. 

This may seem to some, a bizarre, uncomfortable and macabre entry to put on a web site. Suicidal thoughts are a common issue with those who are falsely accused and increasingly it has become a 'end of line' happening for too many. The 'Court of Public Opinion' is very harsh and the individual, regardless to innocence, is no longer trusted as large elements of doubt about their character come into play. My arrest has had a massive impact on my life, my employability, my personal safety and my income. It has pushed me into a form of 'house arrest' rather than getting me to meet the damaging rejection of others. My former life style has gone and a bleakness has descended, giving me little hope of much of a future. As a matter of fact most of my food comes from the 'discounted food section' in the supermarket during late night shopping (to avoid people) and yet I am considered in 'a good' financial position against some others. It seems that the few options I have left, include civil litigation (to get the Police to explain their evidence used to support my arrest) or my death to highlight through the coroner the Police wrong that was perpetrated on me.

I have become stoney broke and emotionally very damaged as a direct result of Police wrongful actions, evidently considered by them as 'Collateral Damage'.

At any point this website could become my 'suicide note', allowing others to conclude their own opinions through the facts I have placed on this site.  Everything I have written, here, is supported by documents and emails. It is my wish that others will judge me on fact and not on preconceptions, steering clear of myth or fiction;  seeing  beyond my emotional state and analysing the reasons for my demise (maybe even calling the actions of my tormentors into question).

"Death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it" - Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

There is a group of individuals who take their own life when they see no way forward. Prior to their death, other people involved in their life tend to adopt a pluralistic ignorance, although the signs leading to their death are clearly there.  Many individuals have no history of self harm and are not categorised as 'attempted suicide patients getting attention'. 

Society generally still believes that suicide is a sad event, it is an outcome which at its least is 'awkward' and it tries to tackle it. As society grapples with its failing to support other human beings, the processes are increasingly done in a narrowly technical way. Some officials now treat suicide as something akin to school exam results, setting themselves targets for reducing the scale of the problem, but failing to tackle the underlying issues for what is 'failure'.

The level of suicide amongst some groups has been targeted over the past decade, as if suicide were like road accident 'black spots' – something that might be pretty straightforwardly reduced through a few technical interventions. But of course, a suicide is not the same as a car crash.

Brendan O'Neill wrote in an article, soon after Robin Williams decided to take his life about 'What is brave about suicide?' 

"It’s an act that ought to feel devastating to us all, because it speaks to a profound rupture between an individual and the community, between an individual and us, even if we did not personally know him. In the words of the twentieth-century writer GK Chesterton, ‘The man who kills a man, kills a man. The man who kills himself kills all men, for as far as he is concerned he wipes out the world.’ As a humanist, I can understand why some individuals choose to end their lives, and I can empathise with deeply troubled individuals like Robin Williams. But as a humanist I also want to assert, as loudly as possible, the wrongness of suicide, to say that it is wicked and immoral and a betrayal of human values, to say that I am angry about what Williams did to himself and to the world. Suicide harms individuals and it harms society."

This raises infinitely more moral questions than an accident ever could – moral questions about the relationship between the individual and the community, about the social cohesion of society, the actions of others and about the value of life. To implement technical suicide-reduction strategies while simultaneously chastising any moral criticism of suicide is profoundly self-defeating, for without a moral position on suicide it is impossible to truly understand this act, far less to send a signal about its wrongness and destructiveness. Yet, we accept, year on year, an increase in suicides after an engagement with the Police, even with all the knowledge we have about prevention

There used to be a term in education called 'CYA'. Basically it is 'Cover your arse' and don't allow any come back for any failings. Part of my torment has included the very defensive tones used by the Police (when questioned about their actions) compounded with a very real lack of support through an array of mental health professionals, who have only come into my life; if there was ever any intimation of me taking my life. The Mental Health services have shunted me back to the Police with them seeing the solutions to an amelioration being with the Police who inflicted the damage and should be clearing up their mess. A true 'Buggers Muddle'. We all accept that the NHS and Adult Social Services are in crisis; and non greater than the Mental Health Services. My take on the support to those intimating a suicide is to use the local 'Crisis intervention' services. Often this is temporary fix getting someone noticed, but with little guarantee of any follow up if the assessors do not determine you need to be immediately sectioned. If there is follow up it has been a referral to an over worked GP, who can only dedicate 8 minutes of his time, most of which (in my case) is consumed getting me to relax and out of a tearful state, before there is an coherent conversation. Then the bell goes! It all becomes a game of 'Russian roulette' and 'CYA' for professionals, thereafter.

On my death there maybe some who'll mourn for me, I feel there will be a greater number running around like headless chickens; checking their notes and eagerly writing reports, ensuring they cover their (own) arses.