In the absense of a prescription based 'magic pill' , taken to ameliate many of my negative thoughts in giving hope, there does seem to be limited options for support. Of course I could just take to other substances to 'blow my mind' or 'space me out' to overcome the pain. Alternatively, I could 'take to the bottle'. The shortfall to this happening is I've become stoney broke, so can't afford any of these things anyway!
I have become hyper sensitive about those I engage with. I have to live in a small community, the type of place where rumour travels at the speed of lightening. It is also a rural area, which is poorly served by chairities, medical proffesionals and many other services. My plight has been placed much on the 'untouchable' caustic list, at best professionals try to shy away. Any professional will tell you that, despite the suppossed 'client confidentiality' , most information is shared between colleagues and onwardly through 'pillow talk' to the wider community. This brings to the Churchillian statement that 'a lie will be half way around the world, before the truth has a chance to put its pant on'. Maybe, my hypersensitivity is pathed towards paranoia? The old adage comes to mind "I'm not paranoid, it's just everyone is against me!"
Citizens Advice
Every agency including the Police has refered me to Citizens Advice, thinking they are the appropriate support mechanism for me to get help. They are not set-up to offer help and advice to anyone in my position. Support for those involved in criminal activites is normally gained through the agencies of the Criminal Justice System (Probation Service, Victim Support etc,.). I am a 'Quasi Victim' and I have not commited any crime. So, I cannot get support from the Probation Service or Victim Support. A high percentage of Citizens Advice work is as an advice service for benefits claimants and debt management. I followed the suggestions made by outside agencies and approached Citizens Advice, their reponse was for me to 'seek legal advice' from a solicitor. (They failed to appreciate that a solicitor will NOT accept payment in beans and grass cuttings!) I walked away thinking I'm too much of a hot potatoe for them to handle.
My Local MP
I have approached him five times through correspondence and recently we had a face to face meeeting. The early replies were very bland about an MP not being able to get involved with matters pertainent to the Police. (Parliament overall seems to legislate, but not set out the ground rules for implementation of the laws they pass). My subsequently rantings might be seen as an act of a madman and maybe he views me as one, but in the last six months he had been very engaged in trying to get answers from the Police. Just before Christmas 2014 he received a reply from the Cheif Constable of Devon and Cornwall Constabulary just re-inforcing that all entries about my arrest have been removed from the PNC and local database. Still no answer to reasons for my arrest.
The Prime Minister - David Cameron
In reply to letter about my complaint to the local police forces 84 day delay in not communicating with me. This was a clear breach of IPCC guidelines on complaint handling. I gave him the 'opt-out' to not relpy as I just really wanted him to know what was happening in the wider world. He was polite and one of his staff replied saying the Prime Minister has taken note of the contents of my letter. He does get thousands of letters a day.
Home Secretary & Minister for Justice
On two occasions I wrote and I was given the explanation; that Ministers are unable to intervene with individual cases or in operational decisions made by the police . . as this would compromise the independence of the police away from parliament.
My GP ( One heck of a guy! )
Every agency including the Police has suggested I speak more with my doctor. What they really do not appreciate is what services a doctor can provide. Although sometimes a little alarmed by my macabre thoughts, I think he still remains quite concerned about me. Every appointment is a painful reminder of my current 'non-person' status and invariably it ends in tears. I do feel I have over burdened him and I try to use his time as little as possible as I feel his service should not include taking on the responsibilities of all the other failing support mechanisms.
As a former professionals I know how difficult it is to keep 'Professional Boundaries', this is particularily difficult in the social educational and medical world. Specifically, 'what is your role?' and 'What it not your role?', where you cannot just adopt them 'rules is rules' approach and see the flow of events heading for disaster.
Letter by letter, action by action, my GP has seen a 'buggers muddle' of Police responses, delays and sheer arrogance of the police. In May 2015, withnessing my exasperation, he wrote to the Chief Constable of Devon and Cornwall on my behalf, asking that they confirm to my employers that I was not under investigation. Devon and Cornwall Constabulary assigned Det.Inspector David Lay to respond by phone to my GP. He asked for details from me, so I wrote to him. He then had a conversation with North Yorkshire who called my doctor. North Yorkshire Police refused to put anything in writing. From October 2015 my doctor sent correspondence to the offices of Chief Constable of Devon and Cornwall Police and North Yorkshire Police. Ot took through to June of this year to get responses. They did finally respond with a letter saying that 'I was not currently under investigation' and that they would reveal to any request to any employer information pertainent to my arrest. (Information which supposidly they do not have).
In 2016, this all went 'pear shaped'. My GP of 17 years was retired after a protracted illness. I was passed around from one locum to another. In late 2016 I attended a general appointment. I was completely thrown by the GP's comment of 'Do you still get the urges?". In panic, I paid the £10 to get my medical records. It was mind blowing. The local Mental Health team had it recorded that I have been 'prosecuted for paedophila' and 'let off'. Regardless to the state of my high blood pressure and my diabetes, I have only once seen a doctor since.
My Family
Only three members of my extensive family know about the arrest. None of them knew until late in October 2013. My elderly father, who I care for and love dearly, has absorbed most of the 'mood swings'. I do feel guilty, sometimes, that I am taking advantage of his frail position and the emotional insecurities of an 87 year old. Formerly he was a tower of strength, with great knowledge of the world but sadly he is daily slipping away to shadow of his former self. His walking abilities are that of a very very old man. He has been subject to so many falls - both inside and outside his house. Last year 2015 a fall was stopped by him 'head butting' a plate glass window, this year (2016) he fell from a bus into the road and on two other ocassions I have been called to a hospital in Dorchester (47 miles away) after he fell. What really sends me into a panic is when I hear the heavy breathing - gasping for air sound, knowing that my father is having an anaphylactic attack and his throat is sweing up. . Anyone who has witnessed this, wil appreciate the urgency for action as it is potentially life threatening. He is typical of 'those eldery who are desperate to retain their independance' and think of hospitals as 'gods waiting room'. So often I have a bit of a fight on my hands (with him) to be checked out by medical people.
My Counsellor 'Psychotherapist'
Has proved to be a saviour as she unpickled my (sometimes very raw) anger and feelings. I think it became apparent that dealing with me was not going to be a 'one hit'. I had lost trust in everyone, everything and even my own decision making about the most basic daily activity. It had taken nearly six months after making an appeal to get true support from the NHS 'Anxiety and Depression Service'. I had been through 4 assessments of my mental state and passed around like the 'village fete tombola big teddybear, that no one really wanted to home'. I had as many assessors as assessments and became familiar with a repeated process of same line of questioning. I was lost in the system, which cannot really afford to operate as government cuts have left it as deflated as its users.
I have been asked on several occasions if I have felt suicidal. The plain answer is I have felt suicidal more days than I have not felt suicidal. Other than seeing this wrong turned to a right, I really do not see a future. If I choose to control my death when the pain gets too strong, I will not be subjected to disclosing when and where it will happen. Nor have I been prepared to disclose the manner of my demise. It will be a calculated act.