What do I want?

 

Being asked by professionals 'what can they do to support me and what is it I want'? is the most tormenting question line. Partly because where suggestions have been made to provide support or investigate, it has lead to a complete distrust of professionals, as they have rarely followed up anything. I feel like being harsh towards their questions, but i am too polite to say to them 'Loads of things, but please don't tease me as you wont (or cant) deliver!'

In the ideal world, I want 'my job back' and self right away from the vacuous unvalued life I lead. A job that gives aspiration to the future, full application to my time allowing me to engage with others comfortably. I am not in the position to 'take up some charity work' (something I perviously engaged in) and anyway I have to get past the hurdle of 'Safeguarding' protocols with any charity, who are, from direct experience, unable to cope with decision making about employing me, someone they might view as a potential paedophile -  not forgetting that all pervasive 'No smoke without fire' pedlars.

I know, with the current attitude to accused persons like me, this will never happen. I have to live with a burden that my chosen profession in education management, is no longer an option. As a 57 year old (even with heaps of experience in the directing and supervision of others, acquired skills to defuse situations, applied, reliable  and methodical), there is always the challenge of relaxing a young appointing manager away from  their existent fear that their position could be undermined by an older person. Add the real ‘biggy’ of 'the event' and heyho, a 'full wet fish slap in the face'.

'Me, as the glass that was deliberately shattered, cannot be just glued back together'.

My wish list.

I want people to give me a 'sporting chance' and not demonise me. 

I want a job. I want to regain some dignity through being identified as 'someone'.  So that when I meet other people and they ask "What do you do with your life?" or " What kind of work I do?" , I can answer with immediate confidence and dignity.

I want to regain my respect towards the Police and not see them as a 'foe'; pitying them as they wallow in their aggression and warped attitude towards the public, undermining themselves in the arrogance and fear as they take the position of being 'the collective' and not being able to be individuals within a collective. They are no longer team players, they have become a rampant army in a phantom war. For me all I ever wanted was a senior officer to extract themselves from their entrenched position, explain to me objectively why my life was thrown into termoil, give an honest reason why my arrest was called for, take on some duty of care to support me and then I can see some closure.