What do I want?

Being asked by professionals: "What can we do to support you and what is it you want'?" is the most tormenting question line. Today, my mistrust of these questions are such that I see them as insincere and a pretense towards compassion. They are just hollow words. This is conclusive from the experience of being let down, so often, as they walk out of the building and it is where our connection ends. Where suggestions have been made to provide support or investigate, it has lead to complete distrust of professionals, as most 'true to form' do not follow up on anything. I feel like being harsh towards their questions, but I am too polite to be completely ungenerous to them, normally I stare at them with elements of pity, knowing that they have no resources or follow up time. I am not likely to see them again and I allow them, to a greater extent to get away with their teasing of me. This has led to wholesale report comments about my willingness (interpreted as no willingness) to engage, and the Police claiming I constantly reject support

In the ideal world, I want 'my job back' and self right away from the vacuous unvalued life I lead. A job that gives aspiration to the future, full application to my time allowing me to engage with others comfortably. I have found that I am not welcomed to 'take up some charity work' (something I previously engaged with), because I have to get past the hurdle of 'Safeguarding' protocols with any charity, who are, from direct experience, unable to cope with decision making about employing me, someone they might view as a paedophile (not forgetting the all-pervasive views of the  'No smoke without fire' peddlers).

I am fully aware, and have experienced, the current prevailing attitude to an accused persons like me, so employment (especially without recent employment references) is not likely to happen with ease. I have to live with a burden that my chosen profession in education management, is no longer an option. As a 61 year old (being 52 when this all kicked off) even with heaps of experience in the directing and supervision of others, acquired skills to defuse situations, applied, reliable and methodical, there is always the challenge of relaxing a young appointing manager away from their exitential fear that their position could be undermined by an older person. Add the real ‘biggy’ of 'the event' and hey, a 'full wet fish slap in the face'.  Like the glass that was deliberately shattered, I cannot be just glued back together.

My wish list.

I want people to give me a 'sporting chance' and move away from the demonisation inflcted on me by the Police service.

Said before: I want a job, I want to regain some dignity through being identified as 'someone'.  So that when I meet other people and they ask: "What do you do with your life?" or " What kind of work do you do?" , I can answer with immediate confidence and dignity.

To directly quote my mother: “I’m not angry, I am just disappointed”. The scowling look would say it all. When this was said she was normally fuming! Me, I’m just disappointed at the failures of the Police, without any paraphrasing or speaking with ‘forked tongue’,  I would truly like to open discussions of a common-sense way forward. I want to regain my respect towards the Police and not see them as a 'foe'; pitying them as they wallow in their fears, denial and aggression, retaining dismisive and warped attitude towards the public; undermining themselves in the arrogance as they take the position of being 'the collective' and not being able to be individuals within a collective. They are no longer the team players, nor the props to protecting all in society; they have become a 'rampant army in a phantom war', on the public, from whom they have lost much respect. For me, all I ever wanted was a experienced senior officer  to extract themselves from their entrenched position, explain to me objectively why my life was thrown into turmoil, give an honest reason why my arrest was called for, take on some duty of care to support me and then I can see some living closure through explanation.

There has been a Police degregation of me. Never more than a meeting that was offered with a former Custody Sargeant, promoted to local Inspector. Fresh from his courses, he was asked to conduct a 'local resolution' complaint  inquiry, that I lodged with the 'Professional Standards' of Devon and Cornwall Police. I lost all faith in his probity, as he had undermined his position of independance by conducting the inquiry (from which he should have recused himself) , with him investigating a former equal ranked colleague with whom he had literally shared the same desk, six months before and in the same Custody Suite. This was exposed when his colleague (whom I lodged a complaint against) placed an entry on his professional Twitter account, six months before, with a full image of both Custudy Sargeants together, describing the now Inspector ranked officer as 'His mate'. How could I possibly respect anything he had to say?  Blog Entry

This added to their contemptuous interaction and handling of me. So, I don't expect too much from them.