I would like to believe that others do not see through my mask, but I think I am deluding myself. I think it is a case that my posture, demeanour, grimaced smile and vacant eyes must intrigue and frighten others. If happiness on a scale of one to ten (where ten is best) I think most people sit, subject to the mood of the day, averaging between six and nine. I think I average between one and three.

There are people who want to enquire about me and my feelings, getting the vibe if you like, but they will not challenge me or pursue me  when I say (when being asked about my health/feelings) "I'm fine, thank you" with the grimace. Their reaction is understandable. What can you do with someone who is not being honest about their feelings and insists on constantly protecting others. Most people will  bring the conversation to a halt  abruptly and then  'do a runner' if I say anything else. In reality the conversation will close when  I fall into the 'Fine' (adolescent code for 'Fucked Up, Indignant, Neurotic and Emotional') response.

Prior to the arrest, I would have considered it as a very very bad day to have scored 3. Today I would look at it as being one of my better days. 1 represents a suicidal day (and is all to common now) thoughts of ending life because life has no value. I wake very early after a disturbed sleep at around 5 a.m. I will lay awake reviewing my circumstances and life. Give it half an hour and I well up (mainly in my right eye). Why am I like this - well it is obvious. Not too much joy in my hermit life of fear, distrust and lacking in confidence.

Attempting to find the acceptance of others has somewhat waned. The loss of family, friends and colleagues ended my socialisation. Having encountered such profound rejection and also lost my most dear friend recently, through death from cancer, I do feel so desperately alone all the time with deep thoughts of how to take my own life.

I eat at odd times or mainly not at all (subject to food supplies).  There has been some good from my situation as I have lost some weight. I cannot always muster the energy to have a bath or a shave and will remain quite smelly for days on end. Although I do address any incontinence, much a cross over from poor mental health and  consequential to what’s gone on, thus, compromising my lack of  immune system from my Reactive Arthritis.  I do make sure I scrub the most private areas with costly medical (baby) wipes to clean the bacteria from faecal matter and heavy urine. I wear NHS provided incontinence pads.

Every decision (including basic domestic ones) seems to be a tortuous process. I get out of bed and go downstairs every day. Then the 'brick wall' hits me. What am I to do today? I will put the kettle on and make a cup of tea. I turn my computer on in hope that an email will transpire to a job interview, sadly not. The tears then fall to the keyboard. I have already written off my other laptop (one of the two returned by the Police). It has stopped working on several keys. On a good day I might navigate through the BBC News website, on a bad day I am completely dis-interested.  Viewing can make me so sad and tense especially when it seems to be littered with  stories about online viewing, connected with paedophile activities - highlighting the pervasive nature of the subject matter and those involved. Rarely mentioning those who have been falsely accused.

The risk from an event, derived from one officer’s interpretation of my character, was uncalculated with me ending up as a true victim of any natural justice. Not fit for society it seems. The arrest was like being held hostage. It was beyond my influence, confusing because all I had been taught about the good guys and the bad guys, this just dissolved. There became a desperate darkness, which there was very little light shone upon it.  I have been robbed of life by the sheer and profound isolation. I endure much nervous reaction to quite simple events (the knocking on the door or the telephone ringing);  being easily upset about anything that challenges me; feeling detached and cut off and very emotionally numb with no focus and often unable to apply myself with concentration;  daily sharp pains in my chest,  tingling in my hands and tears that would water an insatiable plant; and very frustrated at not being listened to.

My own GP, having known him for over 20 years,  is on sick leave (has been since October 2015)  and is not expected to return and it has now been confirmed that he is going into retirement.  Others doctors - who I not know from 'Adam' - are expected to pick up the pieces caused by the poor handling of other professionals. The latest is a reference in a report  that I am deemed a paedophile. The psychiatric report stated that I was 'arrested being in possession of indecent images of children'.  This is an aberration of the truth. The Chinese Whisper effect of a record (and fact) that I was 'arrested on the suspicion of being in possession of indecent images' has now detrimentally been reworded on an NHS shared database of which I have no control. So any new professional in my life will identify with this abhorrent information destroying vestiges of hope that my situation will improve. Correcting this will be its own (no doubt, lonely) battle. £10, that I can ill afford, has been paid to view one NHS database under a 'Personal Access Request' allowed under the Freedom of Information Act.

Appendix 1 - new information Jan 2017. Unfortunately the information that I wish to see and the original source is more costly to view, as it is separate and on a Mental Health database. They are at liberty to charge £50 for viewing sensitive information. I would have thought that psychiatric reports are considered 'sensitive'. Meanwhile this information festers for any half wit of the lowest ranking professional to interpret, viewing me in a very negative way, pre-judging me.

Appendix 2 - March 2017 I received a printout of 'logged data' contained in psychiatric reports. In May 2016, there was a triage by the ambulance service, following a police visit, because of their concern I was suicidal, Their report determined that I was 'let off' by the police after being (an ambulance claim) 'found in possession of indecent images of children' (ignoring the premise that this was false information and proven not to have had any images) and another report  of August 2016 defines my status as that of a 'paedophile', supposedly attending a trial, but was not prosecuted! Ignoring the fact that I was never charged and did not have to defend myself in this 'phantom court' hearing that seemingly took place, (clearly in my absence). Much professional report writing, loosely based on information sourced from  previous inaccurate reports, has become muddled and subject to a 'Chinese Whisper' campaign. Can the slander, defamation and misrepresentation get any worse?