I would like to believe that others do not see through my mask, but I think I am deluding myself. I think it is a case that my posture, demeanour, grimaced smile and vacant eyes must intrigue and frighten others in equal measure. If happiness on a scale of one to ten (where ten is best) I think most people sit, subject to the mood of the day, averaging between six and nine. I think I average between one and three.
Some people want to enquire about me and my feelings, 'getting the vibe' if you like, but they will not challenge me or pursue me when I say repeatedly (when being asked about my health/feelings) "I'm fine, thank you" with the grimace. Their reaction is understandable. What can you do with someone who is not being honest about their feelings and insists on constantly protecting others? Most people will bring the conversation to a halt abruptly and then 'do a runner' if I say anything else. In reality, the conversation will close when I fall into the 'Fine' (adolescent code for 'Fucked Up, Indignant, Neurotic and Emotional') response.
Before the arrest, I would have considered it as a very very bad day to have scored three points. Today I would look at it as being one of my better days. One represents a suicidal ideation day (and is all too common now) thoughts of ending life because 'life has no value'. I wake very early after a disturbed sleep at around 5 a.m. I will lay awake reviewing my circumstances and life. Give it half an hour and I well up (mainly in my right eye). Why am I like this - well it is obvious. Not too much joy in my hermit life of fear, distrust and lacking in confidence.
Attempting to find the acceptance of others has somewhat waned. The loss of family, friends and colleagues ended my socialisation. Having encountered such profound rejection and also lost my most dear friend recently, through death from cancer, I do feel so desperately alone all the time with deep thoughts of how to take my own life to get others to realise how social and legal justice has failed me.
Every decision (including basic domestic ones) seems to be a tortuous process. I get out of bed and go downstairs every day. Then the 'brick wall' hits me. What am I to do today? I will put the kettle on and make a cup of tea. I turn my computer on in hope that an email will transpire to a job interview or just a long lost friend wanting to engage, sadly not. The tears then fall to the keyboard. I have already written off my other laptop (one of the two returned by the Police). It has stopped working on several keys. On a good day, I might navigate through the BBC News website, on a bad day I am completely disinterested. Viewing can make me so sad and tense especially when it seems to be littered with stories about online viewing, connected with paedophile activities - highlighting the pervasive nature of the subject matter and those involved. Rarely mentioning those who have been falsely accused and the misery that has been inflicted on them..
The risk from an event, derived from one officer’s interpretation of my character, was uncalculated with me ending up as a true victim of any natural justice. Not fit for society it seems. The arrest was like being held hostage. It was beyond my influence, confusing because all I had been taught about the good guys and the bad guys, this just dissolved. There became desperate darkness, which there was very little light shone upon it. I have been robbed of life by the sheer and profound isolation. I endure much nervous reaction to quite simple events (the knocking on the door or the telephone ringing); being easily upset about anything that challenges me; feeling detached and cut off and very emotionally numb with no focus and often unable to apply myself with concentration; daily sharp pains in my chest, tingling in my hands and tears that would water an insatiable plant; and very frustrated at not being listened to.
My GP, having known him for over 20 years, was on sick leave in October 2015 and although he did return briefly he went onto retire. Others doctors - who I did not know from 'Adam' - are expected to pick up the pieces caused by the poor handling of other professionals. A reference in a report that I was deemed to be a paedophile did not endear me to professional. The psychiatric report stated that I was 'arrested for being in possession of indecent images of children'. This is an aberration of the truth. The Chinese Whisper effect of a record (and fact) that I was 'arrested on the suspicion of being the in possession of indecent images' then detrimentally been reworded on an NHS shared database of which I have no control. So any new professional in my life was going to have a long road to any trust as I identified with this abhorrent information, it destroying vestiges of hope that my situation will improve. Correcting this was to be its own (no doubt, lonely) battle. So I paid to view, under a 'Personal Access Request' allowed under the Freedom of Information Act all data held.
Appendix 1 - new information Jan 2017. Unfortunately, the information that I wish to see and the original source is more costly to view, as it is separate and on a Mental Health database. They are at liberty to charge £50 for viewing sensitive information. I would have thought that psychiatric reports are considered 'sensitive'. Meanwhile, this information festers for any half-wit of the lowest ranking professional to interpret, viewing me in a very negative way, pre-judging me.
Appendix 2 - March 2017 I received a printout of 'logged data' contained in psychiatric reports. In May 2016, there was a triage by the ambulance service, following a police visit, because of their concern I was suicidal, Their report determined that I was 'let off' by the police after being (an ambulance claim) 'found in possession of indecent images of children' (ignoring the premise that this was false information and proven not to have had any images) and another report of August 2016 defines my status as that of a 'paedophile', supposedly attending a trial, but was not prosecuted! Ignoring the fact that I was never charged and did not have to defend myself in this 'phantom court' hearing that seemingly took place, (clearly in my absence). Much professional report writing, loosely based on information sourced from previous inaccurate reports, has become muddled and subject to a 'Chinese Whisper' campaign. Can the slander, defamation and misrepresentation get any worse?