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Lord Tennysons inspiring line tells us: "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." (I'm not sure if I can).

Will I ever be happy or secure again? 4 years of entrenchement and principally housebound with an ideation to suicide most weeks. My conclusions are that I do not want to live.  When hope, trust and confidence are lost then there does not seem to be an alternative. I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to take my own life, but I'm sure there will be the final 'straw . .  .'  There is barely a day when I am not in tears, to the extent that my right eye seems to be crusted and aches with pain. I am not sure if anyone knows what to do with me, or what I should do with myself, or is prepared to advise me. The few professionals that have attempted to provide suggestions, to bolster my confidence and socialisation always seem to 'signpost' me to attending 'art therapy' with the local Downs Syndrome folk or joining the local walking groups to get me out of the house.  They do not realise that somedays, even when I desperately need provisions, such as bread or milk, I put an extraordinary effort into things.  I get washed and dressed (even put my coat on) and head for the front door. This process can be done in the morning and I am still in a state of rediness at 5.30 pm and not left the house. I cannot even go beyond the end of the path, let alone walk into town. I have turned around so many times. Then get seriously annoyed with myself.

I was attacked in April. The second time I have been attacked in 2 years.  This is a quiet, intrinsically nearly 'crime free' town. "You're that paedophile bloke aren't you?" said the voice of the guy who barged past me and pushed me to the ground, I lay mudded on the wet grass and he ran off. Me no longer being very agile, took a few seconds to get up.  All I saw, with poor eye sight  (my good glasses were brken in the last incident), was a blur of fawn trousers and dark blue top, but after the last time I felt I would not report it to the police.  I felt so useless and also after the last time I felt it would not come to any good if I reported it. The first time was just a drunk who grabbed my glasses and broke them. Immediately after this incident  dialed 999, but the police did not respond. Later that evening I filed a report through the Devon & Cornwall constabuary website, within an hour the police were scurrying to here.  I don't think there is any more hurt that can be inflicted upon me,  as 'society' (whatever that is) has done it worst.